PARENT-CHILD (teenagers) RELATIONSHIP

          This blog is all about the relationship of the parents and their teens. This blog enables us to know what and how parents must interact with their child especially the teens to maintain good relationship with each other and to avoid unwanted fights and misunderstanding between parents and teenagers. You will also learn from here the different ways to discipline teenagers. 

what are teenagers?
is a transitional stage of physical and mental human development generally occurring between puberty and legal adulthood (age of majority), but largely characterized as beginning and ending with the teenage stage. According to Erik Erikson's stages of human development, for example, a young adult is generally a person between the ages of 20 and 40, whereas an adolescent is a person between the ages of 13 and 19. Historically, puberty has been heavily associated with teenagers and the onset of adolescent development. However, the start of puberty has had somewhat of an increase in preadolescence (particularly females, as seen with early and precocious puberty), and adolescence has had an occasional extension beyond the teenage years (typically males) compared to previous generations. These changes have made it more difficult to rigidly define the time frame in which adolescence occurs.

psychology of teenagers:

Adolescence is characterized by a number of cognitive, emotional, physical and attitudinal changes, which can be a cause of conflict on one hand and positive personality development on the other.
The home environment and parents are still important for the behaviors and choices of adolescents.Adolescents who have a good relationship with their parents are less likely to engage in various risk behaviors, such as smoking, drinking, fighting, and/or unprotected sexual intercourse.In conflict with their parents, adolescents are more flexible than younger children, but more hostile and rigid compared to adults. The topics of conflicts between adolescents and their parents are often about the extent to which parents can control and supervise the adolescent, for instance conflicts about chores, schoolwork, curfew, and the adolescent's right to privacy.
For the first time in their lives adolescents may start to view their friends, their peer group, as more important and influential than their parents or guardians. Peer groups offer its members the opportunity to develop various social skills, such as empathy, sharing and leadership. Peer groups can have positive influences on an individual, for instance on academic motivation and performance, but they can also have negative influences and lead to an increase in experimentation with drugs, drinking, vandalism, and stealing. Susceptibility to peer pressure increases during early adolescence, peaks around age 14, and declines thereafter.
In the search for a unique social identity for themselves, adolescents are frequently upset. G. Stanley Hall denoted this period as one of "Storm and Stress" and, according to him, conflict at this developmental stage is normal and not unusual. Margaret Mead, on the other hand, attributed the behavior of adolescents to their culture and upbringing.
Adolescence is also a time for rapid cognitive development. Piaget describes adolescence as the stage of life in which the individual's thoughts start taking more of an abstract form and the egocentric thoughts decrease. This allows the individual to think and reason in a wider perspective.A combination of behavioural and fMRI studies have demonstrated development of executive functions, that is, cognitive skills that enable the control and coordination of thoughts and behaviour, which are generally associated with the prefrontal cortex. The thoughts, ideas and concepts developed at this period of life greatly influence one's future life, playing a major role in character and personality formation.
Adolescent psychology is associated with notable changes in mood sometimes known as mood swings.
Positive psychology is sometimes brought up when addressing adolescent psychology as well. This approach towards adolescents refers to providing them with motivation to become socially acceptable and notable individuals, since many adolescents find themselves bored, indecisive and/or unmotivated.
Struggles with adolescent identity and depression usually set in when an adolescent experiences a loss. The most important loss in their lives is the changing relationship between the adolescent and their parents. Adolescents may also experience strife in their relationships with friends. This may be due to the activities their friends take part in, such as smoking, which causes adolescents to feel as though participating in such activities themselves is likely essential to maintaining these friendships. Teen depression can be extremely intense at times because of physical and hormonal changes but emotional instability is part of adolescence. Their changing mind, body and relationships often present themselves as stressful and that change, they assume, is something to be feared.Sleep deprivation has also been linked to adolescent depression, particularly in the teen years.
Views of family relationships during adolescence are changing. The old view of family relationships during adolescence put an emphasis on conflict and disengagement and thought storm and stress was normal and even inevitable. However, the new view puts emphasis on transformation or relationships and maintenance of connectedness.

why do parents and their teens argue?

1. Most teens have not mastered their communication skills so they may come across as rude, accusatory, as not making sense or as unreasonable. A lot of times the problem is that they simply cannot express what they are feeling appropriately. For example, "I hate you" may really mean "I don't like this rule", however, being on the receiving end of "I hate you" is much more difficult to manage as a parent than a teen telling you they just don't like a certain rule.
2. Often teenagers behave as though they are the center of the world and have a hard time seeing the view of others. This is not a product of poor upbringing or a sign that you missed something in your parenting along the way. It is instead a product of the developmental stage of adolescence which includes self-contentedness.
3. Teens like to show off in front of their friends. Often teens will put their parents on the spot or will push limits in front of their friends in an effort to show their friends that they have control over their parents.
4. As I have written about in other articles, teens want to be independent but are often times not really ready for this which scares them. Teens will often resent the need for ongoing parental oversight and limits which they respond to with anger or defiance.
5. Teens sometimes do what they do just to rebel and to make a point that they are independent from their parents.

TIPS TO DISCIPLINE TEENAGERS:

• education in the form of praise and approval for doing what is expected
• punishment for intentional but never for unintentional wrong doing.
• it is of far greater importance in deciding about the effectiveness of discipline to observe the attitude of the child who has been disciplines of course, it is not so easy to judge the child's attitude as it is to judge his behavior.
• paret's attitude in disciplining should be one of understanding and tolerance.
• instead of punishing, it would be fairer to give him an opportunity to explain and gestures help to make explanations more meaningful.
• if the child has done good, praise or give gifts to them.
• avoid spanking, corporal punishment, scolding and nagging, locking up and sending to bed.
• good forms of punishment are making amends, isolation and depriving the child of a threat.
• punish the act, not the child
• use normal consequences
• use punishment sparingly and invalid forms
• begin by his/her disciplinary exclusion from psychological tools,..succeed or fail in shaping the emotions, values, attitudes, or role definitions of next generation.
• change the characteristics that is not good for the children.
• be always changing.
• accept conflict
• see the value of communication.
• attend mass together as a family
• action speaks louder than words
• don't listen to everything the children say
• expect good behavior
• insist that your child try, but don't expect perfection
• it seems as a crucial reminder that our rules and regulations are not meant to hurt but rather to protect them from harm(be it physical, emotional, or spiritual)
• TLC-Tenderness, love and closeness
• learning to listen
• understand how they think
• expose your kids to negative things that happen to people who do the wrong things.
• let your children face negative consequences of their actions and don't always protect them
• use behavior modificatons
• discipline by natural resources
• avoid dominating
• punishment is adequate and effective only when it has direct relation to the act committed.
• give teens the vote
• peers are important; use them to advantage
• approval to the teen's highest capability and basic decency (make the teens feel that you can relly on them
• try to say yes to any responsible request. thus counteracting the change
• take time for couple and personal maintenance
• develop a sense of humor.
• balance our commitments 
• that we can make a difference
• that everybody's efforts, regardless of how small and insignificant they seem are important.

• accept our teenagers for who they are
• our teens are not a parent's clone 
• wise parents don't expect teenagers to share all their interests, follow them in their career, or to marry their choice of mate.
• parents need to identify carefully the values we must hold strongly and which we are most attached
• each teen has some redeeming value and gift no matter how hidden 
• we need to be conscious of the expectations for our teens

• love unconditionally

• be firm and flexible (firm in values; flexible on how will it be implemented)
• Allow everyone to have a fair opportunity to say what they would like to say. Don't just keep talking and repeating the same thing over and over without giving your teenager an opportunity to express their thoughts or how they feel.
• Do your best not to interrupt when your teen is speaking their mind - this will increase the chances that they will listen while you speak.
• Let your teenager know that you cannot speak to them when they are yelling and respond effectively when they stop yelling. Praise them during times when they are able to express themselves effectively.
• Do your best to stick to the point and not bring up the past, other situations or bring others into the conversation unless it directly relates to them.
• During arguments, never "put down" or make fun of your teenager.
• Offer choices whenever possible and allow compromises when possible.
• Accept that your teenager is not going to talk to you about everything. Pushing them to talk about topics which are uncomfortable or upsetting will often result in their lashing out at you. Obviously if you are concerned about their safety you will need to push them, however, if your interest in a certain topic is more out of curiosity, sometimes it is better to just leave the topic alone than to argue with them about it.
• Regardless of how loud your teen is yelling, keep your voice low. Your teen will have to lower their own voice to hear you and in addition, just speaking softly can lower the tension in the room.
• Try to use "I" statements rather than blaming statements. For example, you may say, "I get really worried about you when you don't come home for your curfew" instead of "You keep messing up by coming in late for your curfew". In both situations, you are letting them know it is unacceptable but it is harder for them to argue the "I" statement which is less blaming.
• If your teenager is getting really out of control, tell them that you are ending the conversation for 10 minutes until everyone calms down some and then you will be willing to revisit the conversation (this may mean you need to go into the bathroom or go for a drive to allow for this break and to physically move from the situation).
• Remain sitting if at all possible when your teen is arguing with you - this will help them feel less threatened and view you as being calmer which may work to help them calm down as well.
• Try not to take things personally. Often teens will say hurtful and mean things to parents which is not acceptable or okay in my opinion. Despite this, it is important that parents do not respond out of emotion. It is more helpful for parents to let their teen know how their words impacted them and that it is not acceptable during a non-emotional time rather than to try to tackle this issue when your teen is already upset and not listening to you. Using tip 10 can be effective at this point in an argument.
• Validate your teenager even if you don't agree with everything they are saying. Having your teen feel heard is often more important than having them feel like you agree with what they are saying.
• Do your best to communicate with your teenager during non-confrontational times. Having regular communication (perhaps at family dinners) will help them communicate effectively with you ongoing so that you are not only communicating during emotional times.
• Pick your battles. Your teenager will test you with what they wear, their music and subjects they bring up just to name a few. Be thoughtful about the battles you want to fight and know that much of the time they are just testing the waters and trying to figure out who they are which will pass in a short period of time.

Figuring out teenagers and how to respond to them effectively is a challenge each and every day. As the parent of a teenager it is important that you get support and have balance in your life so that you can respond to your teenager in a way which is effective and which does not increase your own stress and frustration.

sources:
> http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adolescence> http://ezinearticles.com/?Teenage-Arguing---Why-Do-Teens-Seem-to-Want-to-Argue-All-the-Time?&id=1745416
 > the child growth and development by Elizabeth B. Herlock, McGraw-Hill Book Company, 1956 page 221-237
>breaking the deadly embrace of child abuse by E. Clay Jorgensen, Crossroad Publishing Corporation, 1992 pages 67-68
>the family litterature by Tavuchis and Goode, McGraw-Hill, Inc.,1975 page 185
> power dads by Charles M. Sell and T.W. Ayers, Servant Publication, 1996 page 15-101
> raising catholic children by Mary Ann Kuharshki, St. Paul Publication, 1992 pages 52-136
> fundamental child psychology by Justin Pikunas, The Bruce publishing company, 1957 page 189
>helping teens care by James McGinnis, The crossroad publishing company, 1991 page 167-171

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